Clearlaketonian Harold

Jun 16, 19

Taken from the Sports Desk of ,


Breaking Clear Lake,


By Sports Reporter Hank Hunk

*Editors note and disclaimer

Due to forced nepotism and undue pressure from my wife, I was coerced into hiring this moronic reporter because he is my wife's older brother (by 50 years!).

So, due to historically bad inbred family decisions and the Wrath of God trying to straighten his dumb ass out, this reporters life became the inspiration for the hit single by

Tom Arnold, "I'm my own Grandpa"

from which he receives absolutely no royalties.

And now to the news

Hank Hunk reporting by the see wall.

Hank Hunk Here!

Just so you can better follow my stellar journalistic achievements I want to remind everyone hear that my given name formerly was known as Ingwer Gerfuuckle (long u like ukulele) which was too hard for even me to spell in high school! So now with my new pen name, I only have to remember to change one letter between my first and last names!

Odd though, how people respond to my new name with some unknown foreign reply of "Gesundheit"?

Anyway, in this slow sports transition season from football to hopscotch, I wanted to highlight a developing story Deer to my Heart, as I have always looked up to this man and patterned my life after him, none other than Steve Johnson! AKA, Johnson!

Years ago, Johnson was renowned in the Navy for his powerful long distance Surf swimming breaststroke. A grueling pacesetter for swimming Navy Seals into shape, in Hawaii, in the 1980s. Johnson continued to set the bar high by moving to Clear Lake, over two thousand miles away from the nearest ocean!

By pure chance, Johnson and I were reminiscing near the lake recently and ran into another former swim champion of Finnish decent!

(Which fits well in my mind anyway of a fast swimmer!) going by the name of Selvete Achoo.

When all were introduced to each other, we all responded in smiling unison! "Gesundheit!"

Well, a triple bond and budding rivalry was formed right then and there by the lake, between the two swimming legends and me!

The young slim and Finnish, Selvete Achoo.

The aging but still able to stand, Johnson.

And this crack reporter!

After hearing one two many of Johnson's boastful Navy stories about a rouge wave picking him up out of the Surf and tossing him into a Dole Pineapple cannery, (where he was nearly crushed to death!) the gauntlet was thrown down by Achoo!

" Put up or Shut up Old Man!"

I heard her say in between puffs on a Newport menthol cigarette.

And the Cross Clear Lake Challenge was born!

A match race , in the lake, after it thaws out and not before, to determine the best of the best swimmers that this town has to offer! This race, when it happens , could be remembered worldwide for years to come and I am wagering my journalistic career on it. Hank Hunk knows a good story when he smells it. Also a little bit smelly, Johnson hushily confided to me later, that all he had to do to win, was throw a couple cartons of Newport Cigarettes up on Selvete Achoo's deck a week before the race to insure his victory!

So stay tuned as I dig deeper into the history of these two galant swimmers and their escalating war of words leading up to a pre race confrontation you won't want to miss!

Hank Hunk did not graduate from anywhere.

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