Thoughts of an (almost) immigrant

2019-01-21T02:34:32.000Z Honest Cash

I've heard so many times about how bad it is to stick to things. I have heard that attachment is, in fact, according to philosophies such as Buddhism, the cause of suffering. This statement seems to make sense, but I can't stop thinking that this is just one side of the coin.

What I mean is that unhealthy attachment certainly causes suffering (it certainly doesn't suffer who doesn't care about anything). But that things matter is something totally human.Sometimes it is very difficult not to stick to certain things. Things that can make you suffer, but can also cause happiness.

I'm from Venezuela and I'm not going to lie. I know that my country is not the best in the world. This is not only a country with an economic, political and humanitarian crisis; it is also a country with a profound moral and ideological problem that I am not going to delve into right now. Honestly, I think that many people in my country have lost their way (I mean that many don't seem to know the coherent way out of this cycle of misfortune), and during the last few months, I have become increasingly pessimistic that something is going to get better.

However… all that doesn't make me feel any less attached to my country. And I am referring to the traditions and customs with which I grew up, even the most elementary ways of acting on a daily basis and everything I know is strongly rooted here. Thinking about leaving (I plan to leave soon, although I'm still trying to determine how I'll get there) makes me feel confused and in deep pain.

What I feel is as if everything I know was taken away from me by force. As if change itself were threatening my life (there are literally credible risks I fear). And even as if I had to be born again, but this time, I had to conscientiously feel the pain.

I wish I could stay. I wish a magic wand could change everything. I'd like to wait a bit, but there's nothing to indicate it's going to be like that. On politics I will only mention a couple of things: the politicians of the "opposition" play their petty games and the tyrants kill people, and I don't want to know if the next stage that tyranny and its collaborators have planned this near and is even more difficult.

I just wanted to vent about all this. I don't have any analysis of the situation to write about (I'm not even in the mood). I feel terror and I haven't been able to sleep well for several days (today I literally haven't slept, once again). Sometimes I even feel ashamed to be in this position, and for not having made the decision to leave earlier. I know I have to resist, but that doesn't make the anxiety go away. My principles help me move forward, because I think this is my responsibility and nobody else's, but that doesn't mean I'm not living through all this trauma.

Maybe at another time I will write something more concrete about the country situation (I know that many are very curious about it, and I think I can give a rather interesting interpretation). But today I just wanted to express the deep frustration I feel. I wish I had lived my youth in a relatively normal country (and I mean I wish my country was a normal country). But that's not the reality, and so I have to assume what I have to do and prove that I'm made of.

In advance, thank you to everyone who reads and comments.