Hello there. Do you have a nose ?
You’re exactly the person I’m looking for. So I’ll let you in on a secret.
I’ve built the perfect predictive model based on A.I technology and complex bullshitology.
Thanks to this secret, non-patented, fictional, and 100% reliable model, I’ve been able to predict what will happen after judgement day.
And you know what ? I’m spilling the tea just with you and not on a website with high virality potential through a system of claps, follows and publications.
So open your reading holes and check out this confidential report about what you’ll need to be a top scorer in the house of your choice : ice cream eating heaven or *Lil Pump *listening hell.
Top scoring items in heaven :
- Didn’t participate in the ten year challenge.
- Saved plants from murderous vegans.
- Giving to the poor. The word poor refers to teens with few words in their vocabulary who end up saying things like “vaykay” or “thicc”. Give them a dictionary and you’ll win 70 points.
- Killing bugs and cockroaches. Murder is wrong. The only exception being these crawling f**kers.
- Stealing a console used by kids to play Fortnite. Negative points from theft are offset by the high grades the kids will get.
- The hairdresser responsible for Trump’s ridiculous hair.
Top scoring items in hell :
- Donating to feed kids in Asia. Bonus points are only given if the kids fed are from Africa.
- Calling a dog adopted 5 years ago a rescue.
- Telling someone his Arts degree is worthless. He already knows it, idiot.
- Is responsible for the short battery life of the iPhone.
- Making a ‘thoughts and prayers after a tragedy’ tweet while sharing a picture displaying his beach bod.
- Playing Farmville. The people who received Facebook invitations will unite on judgement day to democratically vote the sinner into the best performing microwave hell has to offer.