From the Sports Desk of,
THE CLEARLAKETONIAN HAROLD
Breaking Clear Lake,
Shakily Marked with a marker…. Destroy Him!….
This document was discretely saved (stolen) off of the top of our editors paper shredder.
By Sports Reporter Hank Hunk
*Editors note and disclaimer from
Chief Editor, Wilton Cramburger
I still Stand by every word of my last warning note to you and add this. I have an old goose call that sounds better than this morons name!
And now to the news!
Hank Hunk reporting!
Hank Hunk Here!
On a somba note I regret to inform my dedicated readers that Steve Johnson has suffered an unusual and freak snow shovel handle accident this morning after a sudden stop. While using a "NON-OSHA APPROVED"
straight hickory handled push snow shovel and running at top speed in training for his upcoming match race with Selvete Achoo after ice out and not before. Johnson hit a heretofore unknown obstruction in his driveway vaulting him airborne off his property and into the neighbors set out recycling bin full of beer cans!
Said beer cans (ouch!), exploded on mass all around the knocked out and hurt Johnson, completely leaving the wrong impression to all later passer byes who shook their heads in utter disgust and kicked him! And no one rendered aide! As a reminder, It is an ticketable offense in Clear Lake to not notify trash authorities about spilled trash! If you see something, call!
Later, after coming to, Johnson awoke, in agony and unaided by any aide, started crawling back to his house while deftly dodging kicks with his cat like ears and reflexes ! People!
( Because Johnson camouflages himself and shovels snow in a tight, Snow White unitard with ears sewn onto the hood, those often used by speed skaters, this may well have , probably maybe, saved his life from direct impact kicks!) Meanwhile…..
Johnson's mind, like the steel trap that it is, kicked into investigator mode on the crawl back across his driveway where to his horror and shock he found a single Newport Menthol cigarette butt stuck in his beard!
Was this a real clue or planted false evidence?
In addition Johnson found a purposely frozen down brick (with water, now called ice), encapsulating the brick apparently removed from the Clear Lake lakeside, by the lake, hiking trail with a partially visible name chiseled into it yet to be decoded!
Johnson suspected but also liked Selvete Achoo and wanted to know her better and who wouldn't ? She's a smart young beautiful slim Finnish swimmer and Johnson just couldn't believe that…..that little smoker could have been involved with this evil sinister staged, set up and well planned accident! Johnson had enemies enough and even Selvete Achoo's mother,
Uma Achoo, had given Johnson the stink eye!
I mean Johnson can't help that people's eyes water and turn red because of how bad he smells when working out for this match race combined with his detox diet of steamed garlic and lutefisk!
But Steve Johnson has a cast iron constitution and has cheated death before, in fact so many times, that he lost count at three!
So the bearded reclusive and disheveled Johnson is recuperating at home (alone), in a torn out in the crotch, foot print laden, hooded snow white unitard with ears, from unknown injuries, while contemplating criminal evidence and his next move in this chess game now known as;
The Cross Clear Lake Challenge!
Hank Hunk founded a charitable organization that also accepts donations for the Venetian Blind, known simply as;
FIGHTING STUPIDITY WITH [STUPIDITY.COM
Which comes easy for him!